After our engagement last spring, Sarah and I began to joyfully announce the news that we were going to be married. And in the months leading up to the big day, the question that we got the most was "How?" Followed by "Where?" Our well-meaning friends and relatives seemed puzzled that we did not know, or chose to ignore, that marriage equality is not yet a reality.

Our decision to use the words "marriage" and "wedding" despite the lack of legal marriage for gays in our home state wasn't a political move. We've never been fond of the neuter-sounding "partnered" or "union." And "committment ceremony," while accurate and not without charm, has begun to take on a ghettoized connotation through years of use. Nope, I thought, the day that I put on a white dress and stand with my chosen one before my family and friends and God and everyone and pledge my undying love and fidelity--that will be my wedding day. If it looks like a wedding, talks like wedding...and so on. It's similar to what it feels like to be queer in a big city after having been out for 10+ years. Sarah and I don't even usually remember that we're queer anymore, unless someone else brings it up.

There's no small amount of denial involved with this. Marriage inequality and other greater injustices against gays upset me a lot. It breaks my heart, it burns me up, it makes me tear out my hair and cry, if I allow myself time to think about it. And so far I feel like I've been unable to channel that energy into any productive endeavor.

Fortunately, we have wonderful friends who are willing to indulge our willful ignorance. Now the question that we're getting the most is, "So how's married life?"


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